i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
