you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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