I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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