I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
