I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ladies don't puke and tell
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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