she woke up with a sticky ear
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
