she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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