Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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