Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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