Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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