dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
