I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
