hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
