Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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