I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
