Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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