Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
