people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
