You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
