I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
