dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
