I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
