Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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