I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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