It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
