I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
