It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
