and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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