The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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