I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
