Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
