I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
