His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
