Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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