The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Damn victory sex feels great
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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