Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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