So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Can Purell be used as lube?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
