ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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