I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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