in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
