im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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