I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
