Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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