her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
