He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
