I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
