I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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