How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
