I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
