Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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