he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
