Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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